hello 2017?

So my last post was... 3 years ago? 

Hi there ghost readers. It's currently 11:04PM and while waiting for my clay mask to dry I decided to pay a visit to this old dusty blog. The one thing that kept me going through my dark times in high school. Today is March 7, 2017. What has happened since?

1. Currently doing my degree in mechanical engineering. Year 1 semester 2. How is it? Stressful, painful, tears have been shed but honestly university life is one hell of an amazing journey. Met so many people who I now hold close in my heart. Made friends, lost friends. Made unforgettable memories and experiencing life in a whole different perspective. I love every single moment of it.
2. I have 2 beautiful and amazing nieces! Sharifah Aina Afrina (7/12/2013) and Sharifah Naila Maisara (14/5/2016). Ibu loves the both of you very much.
3. About a year ago I made the ever so stupid decision to download tinder. Met a guy, let's call him Jibut. We matched, we talked aaaand oops I kind of fell for him. Putting aside his looks (he is flawless, no joke and very very handsome), I honestly can't seem to figure out the exact reason why I like him.. it's been about 7 months and I still have a teeny crush on him. We went out once, he didn't make any form of contact (on WhatsApp) after that. Came to a realisation that he probably doesn't like like me. That's just my life lol not once have I had my feelings reciprocated. Life isn't fair, we move on. (i cant move on someone help pls)
4. Fucbois are everywhere. Beware.
5. Choose your friends wisely. Important important important.

I am 19. Turning 20 this August. Kind of a big deal since I will no longer be a 'teen', slowly entering the world of young adulthood where responsibilities will become your priorities. Am I ready? Definitely not. But I am excited to see what the future hold for me and what I am capable of doing.

I made this blog when I was 12 and that was the best decision I have ever made. It's always interesting to look back at my posts every 2 or 3 years to see how I've aged, to see what dilemmas I've had, to see how I've matured, to see how I've changed. And trust me I have changed. A lot.

In high school I've had moments where I didn't want to continue. Suicide was on my mind but somehow (thankfully) I never had the courage to pick up the knife. To overdose on the pills. A part of me wanted to be free from everything. A part of me didn't have the heart/guts to do something so stupid. 

Now that I am in university I have all the reasons to continue living, to keep pushing through the hard times. The people that I have met are honestly amazing. Always having my back, telling me what's right when I'm wrong, crying together, laughing together. The life that I live today as a 19-year-old is nowhere near perfect, but I am thankful for it. 

Hoping that this year will be a good one. Goodnight.

Friends

Being out of high school is fun.. yet somehow lonely in a sense. Fun because I no longer have to get up at 5 a.m., lonely because life becomes quiet and empty. High school obviously was never easy. But somehow I managed to get through it..

.. and that all would have not been possible without the presence of wonderful, amazing, lovely human beings called friends.

So with that being said, it's time I introduce to you non-existent readers two important people in my life, my very best friends. Meet;

Nur Fairuz

Muliyati 

I could tell you the whole story of how we met and most important of all, how we became friends. But maybe I'll do that in a different post.

Honestly, I don't know what my life would be like without these two. The number of funny, sad, angry moments we've had together is so many to the point where I can't keep up. I wouldn't have made it through high school without them. We've had our ups and downs as all friendships do, but somehow we manage to stick together no matter the circumstances.

(as I'm typing this I'm listening to acoustic songs so there may be a 50% chance that I might be crying throughout typing this post later on, therefore I apologize in advance if things get a little mushy, touchy)

To tell you the truth I don't even know what to say now because all I can think of is how much I miss them. And I mean it with all my heart. It has finally hit me that I truly miss them. I miss our talks, our gossips, our crazy ass moments, our laughs. I miss everything. 

I like how I can be myself around them, show them the real crazy weird stupid side of Shazza that no one really knows (so Muli and Fai, if you read this and I'll make sure that you'll read this, consider yourselves lucky).

Nang bena lah apa org padah, hidup tok sik bermakna tanpa adanya kawan. Emo kmk tgh tulis tok haha. So Fai and Muli, kmk nak pdh makseh banyak2 dgn ktk duak sbb sanggup jadi kawan kmk, sanggup melayan kerenah kmk yg bukan2 and yg pelik2 haha. Entahlah, kmk rasa sekadar ucapan terimak kaseh sik cukup pake ktk org. I truly appreciate you guys and I am more than thankful to have you guys as my best friends, I am truly blessed. Kmk pun bersyukur gilak2 yg kmk masok KTDTHB, mun kmk stay rah SMKDP tek nang sik berjumpa la kita tiga haha. Kmk nak mintak maaf banyak2 mun kmk ada polah salah dgn ktk duak, mun kmk ada menyakitkan hati ktk org, mun kmk ada terkasar bahasa. :)

I am not one to say this, and I rarely do say this. I love you guys a lot. 

I hope that we continue this awesome friendship of ours till we're old and grey. As Muli would say, 'Best Friends Forever Till Jannah', In sha Allah :)

Out.

Unwanted

Why does it constantly feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. Everything I do is never right. Everything I say is always considered 'angry'. Y'all call me sensitive, but how can you not expect me to be? DAMNIT PEOPLE I've been holding back my damn emotions for the past 4 years of my life, how can you not expect me to be effing sensitive??

You never give me a chance to explain and even if I did it would be pointless since yall call it 'talking back'. Well excuuussseeeee my fat ass if explaining is called talking back.

I've always wanted a relationship with my family where I can gossip the truck out of anything, share my experiences and the most important is where I can pour my heart and soul on a shoulder of anyone of you guys, but hey that's never gonna happen. You guys are so caught up with each other that you forgot that you have a tottering 17-year-old daughter who is emotionally unstable.

All I want is to feel that 'bonding sensation' between mother and daughter but that never happens since the perfect daughter is my elder sister. Not that I'm jealous or anything but I'm not that dumb enough of a person to not realise the sad, painful truth that I am simply a disappointment.

As puke vomiting as it sounds, idgaf bcs no one's ever gonna read this so ya wtv. I've noticed that every single time when we have a family night it's always my mum and my sister walking side by side while I'm trying to catch up and end up walking behind them.

You know what hurts the most? The feeling of being left out. Here's an example:
The other day my family and I went to Giant to buy some groceries. So we went inside the supermarket, got what we need then proceeded to walk to the exit when my mum decided to go to Watsons. Of course I wanted to follow bcs I need to get a few items. I asked if I could follow but I got the nicest response. 'Jaga trolley nun!' I tried not to be offended so I pushed the trolley in their direction and followed them to Watsons. As we reached there I asked if I could go inside with them, grab what I needed then go back out to watch the trolley. But hey once again I got the nicest response, "Apa lagik ktk maok, sik puas hati ka??" The moment those words flew out of her mouth I just completely lost my fcking patience. WTF ALL I WANTED TO BUY WAS A HAIR CONDITIONER???????

i don't get it. i don't know what to do to make them happy. everything i do just makes me feel more and more worthless. i realise that i may not be as beautiful as my older sister, therefore i apologise for having a bilateral cleft. i apologise for not being as smart as my other siblings, i'm sorry for not having the ability to strike a conversation with guests ((because maybe i prefer talking to people that i know and my personality is like that so like fck wtv)), i'm sorry for not being perfect. i really am.

all i need from this family is the feeling of being understood. the feeling of being listened to. the feeling where i am actually loved. because at this very moment in my teenage life i feel nothing. nothing from you guys. i don't feel like anyone cares. i feel like i'm left on my own. i feel like i'm a wall for you guys to throw your anger at. i feel like i'm a place for you guys to leash out your disappointments. i feel like an object.

sometimes it feels so bad, it just comes to a point where i've lost all the energy. so i let the accusations hit me, i let the nagging hit me. i let anything hit me because i have given up. i'm too tired fighting a battle that its name will never be known.

i try to find people that re in the same situation as i am but the results came back and it's a 0. NOTHING. NO NONE. NADA. ZILCH.

i am just a 17-year-old that's lost in a sea of hurt, pain and anger.

Mega pissed

DAAYYYUUUUUM
girl you better watch your mouth before i watch it for you
who the hell do you think you are ya lil punk headed jlqjdksklnlds
you
piss
me
off

kthxbai

Moving on

Sometimes we need to pick ourselves up from the dirt and close the old chapter. It's never too late to begin a new one and embark on a journey of a lifetime. For all you could know it might just have a happy ending.

It isn't wrong to dwell in the past but it isn't right to continue to live in it either. All we need to do is move on. Easier said than done but that's the truth.

Moving on will open so many new opportunities for you. You get to meet new faces, see new places and the best thing of all?
You gain new memories with those around you.

So stop beating yourself up. Everybody deserves a second chance in life, everybody including you. Maybe he/she wasn't The One. That's why we were given a chance to love again.

All we need to do is move on.

Dark clouds

I regret it, I honestly do.

Isn't it weird how our feelings can cloud over our minds until we lose our sense of logic? Sometimes you end up hoping so bad for something you know will never happen, yet you allow yourself to daydream about it even if it means you'll end up getting hurt.

I question myself at times why I am even bothered to think about you. Despite knowing the fact that I won't gain anything. Why did I even let you enter my life? Why did I even bother to get to know you? I should have known you were nothing but a heart disease *ooh so deep*

I could ask you thousands, perhaps millions of questions in the world, but only one question comes to mind when it's regarding you. Why would you say something if you don't mean it? You can't just go MIA for a few days then pop back into my life saying 'Miss you a lot'. To some girls it may sound romantic. If you ask me, it seems as if I am being played.

I get this 'vibe' from you that I am only used as an entertainment. A toy. You can throw, smash, poke, hit a toy and yet it'll never get hurt. Well, obviously because a toy is an inanimate object. No feelings harmed. But what about humans. Humans have feelings. Humans get hurt. Humans get broken (not scientifically, but you know what I mean).

It's not as if I am expecting you to acknowledge me every single second of your life. No, I'm not asking for that. It is your life, you can do whatever you want whenever you want.
All I want is an explanation as to why you'd play a girl that has done absolutely nothing wrong to you.

Don't say that you miss them if you don't mean it. Don't joke about feelings if you don't mean it. Don't ever, ever joke about love.

I hate myself for getting to know you. I regret ever knowing you.

People say that there's a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Ada hikmah disebalik setiap perkara. But I have yet to find the silver lining. You're the dark cloud without a silver lining, a cloud that'll forever shadow.

I regret it, I regret you.

Out.

Twenty Fourteen

Well well well. Looks like we meet again, blog. My first post of 2014. Wey-hey.
Twenty fourteen. 3 things come to my mind for the year of twenty-fourteen.
1. I'm turning 17.
2. It's my final year of high school.
3. S to the P to the M

Holy crap I'm gonna graduate from high school. Can someone pinch me just so that I know that this is real and not just a dream?

Every single day all I hear around me is SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM
o dem i krai
mi fils
help

Sigh. Looks like there'll be a lot of sacrifices made this year.
Oh god I don't even know what I'm typing about.

See you in a bit.