Unwanted

Why does it constantly feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. Everything I do is never right. Everything I say is always considered 'angry'. Y'all call me sensitive, but how can you not expect me to be? DAMNIT PEOPLE I've been holding back my damn emotions for the past 4 years of my life, how can you not expect me to be effing sensitive??

You never give me a chance to explain and even if I did it would be pointless since yall call it 'talking back'. Well excuuussseeeee my fat ass if explaining is called talking back.

I've always wanted a relationship with my family where I can gossip the truck out of anything, share my experiences and the most important is where I can pour my heart and soul on a shoulder of anyone of you guys, but hey that's never gonna happen. You guys are so caught up with each other that you forgot that you have a tottering 17-year-old daughter who is emotionally unstable.

All I want is to feel that 'bonding sensation' between mother and daughter but that never happens since the perfect daughter is my elder sister. Not that I'm jealous or anything but I'm not that dumb enough of a person to not realise the sad, painful truth that I am simply a disappointment.

As puke vomiting as it sounds, idgaf bcs no one's ever gonna read this so ya wtv. I've noticed that every single time when we have a family night it's always my mum and my sister walking side by side while I'm trying to catch up and end up walking behind them.

You know what hurts the most? The feeling of being left out. Here's an example:
The other day my family and I went to Giant to buy some groceries. So we went inside the supermarket, got what we need then proceeded to walk to the exit when my mum decided to go to Watsons. Of course I wanted to follow bcs I need to get a few items. I asked if I could follow but I got the nicest response. 'Jaga trolley nun!' I tried not to be offended so I pushed the trolley in their direction and followed them to Watsons. As we reached there I asked if I could go inside with them, grab what I needed then go back out to watch the trolley. But hey once again I got the nicest response, "Apa lagik ktk maok, sik puas hati ka??" The moment those words flew out of her mouth I just completely lost my fcking patience. WTF ALL I WANTED TO BUY WAS A HAIR CONDITIONER???????

i don't get it. i don't know what to do to make them happy. everything i do just makes me feel more and more worthless. i realise that i may not be as beautiful as my older sister, therefore i apologise for having a bilateral cleft. i apologise for not being as smart as my other siblings, i'm sorry for not having the ability to strike a conversation with guests ((because maybe i prefer talking to people that i know and my personality is like that so like fck wtv)), i'm sorry for not being perfect. i really am.

all i need from this family is the feeling of being understood. the feeling of being listened to. the feeling where i am actually loved. because at this very moment in my teenage life i feel nothing. nothing from you guys. i don't feel like anyone cares. i feel like i'm left on my own. i feel like i'm a wall for you guys to throw your anger at. i feel like i'm a place for you guys to leash out your disappointments. i feel like an object.

sometimes it feels so bad, it just comes to a point where i've lost all the energy. so i let the accusations hit me, i let the nagging hit me. i let anything hit me because i have given up. i'm too tired fighting a battle that its name will never be known.

i try to find people that re in the same situation as i am but the results came back and it's a 0. NOTHING. NO NONE. NADA. ZILCH.

i am just a 17-year-old that's lost in a sea of hurt, pain and anger.