hello 2017?

So my last post was... 3 years ago? 

Hi there ghost readers. It's currently 11:04PM and while waiting for my clay mask to dry I decided to pay a visit to this old dusty blog. The one thing that kept me going through my dark times in high school. Today is March 7, 2017. What has happened since?

1. Currently doing my degree in mechanical engineering. Year 1 semester 2. How is it? Stressful, painful, tears have been shed but honestly university life is one hell of an amazing journey. Met so many people who I now hold close in my heart. Made friends, lost friends. Made unforgettable memories and experiencing life in a whole different perspective. I love every single moment of it.
2. I have 2 beautiful and amazing nieces! Sharifah Aina Afrina (7/12/2013) and Sharifah Naila Maisara (14/5/2016). Ibu loves the both of you very much.
3. About a year ago I made the ever so stupid decision to download tinder. Met a guy, let's call him Jibut. We matched, we talked aaaand oops I kind of fell for him. Putting aside his looks (he is flawless, no joke and very very handsome), I honestly can't seem to figure out the exact reason why I like him.. it's been about 7 months and I still have a teeny crush on him. We went out once, he didn't make any form of contact (on WhatsApp) after that. Came to a realisation that he probably doesn't like like me. That's just my life lol not once have I had my feelings reciprocated. Life isn't fair, we move on. (i cant move on someone help pls)
4. Fucbois are everywhere. Beware.
5. Choose your friends wisely. Important important important.

I am 19. Turning 20 this August. Kind of a big deal since I will no longer be a 'teen', slowly entering the world of young adulthood where responsibilities will become your priorities. Am I ready? Definitely not. But I am excited to see what the future hold for me and what I am capable of doing.

I made this blog when I was 12 and that was the best decision I have ever made. It's always interesting to look back at my posts every 2 or 3 years to see how I've aged, to see what dilemmas I've had, to see how I've matured, to see how I've changed. And trust me I have changed. A lot.

In high school I've had moments where I didn't want to continue. Suicide was on my mind but somehow (thankfully) I never had the courage to pick up the knife. To overdose on the pills. A part of me wanted to be free from everything. A part of me didn't have the heart/guts to do something so stupid. 

Now that I am in university I have all the reasons to continue living, to keep pushing through the hard times. The people that I have met are honestly amazing. Always having my back, telling me what's right when I'm wrong, crying together, laughing together. The life that I live today as a 19-year-old is nowhere near perfect, but I am thankful for it. 

Hoping that this year will be a good one. Goodnight.

Friends

Being out of high school is fun.. yet somehow lonely in a sense. Fun because I no longer have to get up at 5 a.m., lonely because life becomes quiet and empty. High school obviously was never easy. But somehow I managed to get through it..

.. and that all would have not been possible without the presence of wonderful, amazing, lovely human beings called friends.

So with that being said, it's time I introduce to you non-existent readers two important people in my life, my very best friends. Meet;

Nur Fairuz

Muliyati 

I could tell you the whole story of how we met and most important of all, how we became friends. But maybe I'll do that in a different post.

Honestly, I don't know what my life would be like without these two. The number of funny, sad, angry moments we've had together is so many to the point where I can't keep up. I wouldn't have made it through high school without them. We've had our ups and downs as all friendships do, but somehow we manage to stick together no matter the circumstances.

(as I'm typing this I'm listening to acoustic songs so there may be a 50% chance that I might be crying throughout typing this post later on, therefore I apologize in advance if things get a little mushy, touchy)

To tell you the truth I don't even know what to say now because all I can think of is how much I miss them. And I mean it with all my heart. It has finally hit me that I truly miss them. I miss our talks, our gossips, our crazy ass moments, our laughs. I miss everything. 

I like how I can be myself around them, show them the real crazy weird stupid side of Shazza that no one really knows (so Muli and Fai, if you read this and I'll make sure that you'll read this, consider yourselves lucky).

Nang bena lah apa org padah, hidup tok sik bermakna tanpa adanya kawan. Emo kmk tgh tulis tok haha. So Fai and Muli, kmk nak pdh makseh banyak2 dgn ktk duak sbb sanggup jadi kawan kmk, sanggup melayan kerenah kmk yg bukan2 and yg pelik2 haha. Entahlah, kmk rasa sekadar ucapan terimak kaseh sik cukup pake ktk org. I truly appreciate you guys and I am more than thankful to have you guys as my best friends, I am truly blessed. Kmk pun bersyukur gilak2 yg kmk masok KTDTHB, mun kmk stay rah SMKDP tek nang sik berjumpa la kita tiga haha. Kmk nak mintak maaf banyak2 mun kmk ada polah salah dgn ktk duak, mun kmk ada menyakitkan hati ktk org, mun kmk ada terkasar bahasa. :)

I am not one to say this, and I rarely do say this. I love you guys a lot. 

I hope that we continue this awesome friendship of ours till we're old and grey. As Muli would say, 'Best Friends Forever Till Jannah', In sha Allah :)

Out.

Unwanted

Why does it constantly feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. Everything I do is never right. Everything I say is always considered 'angry'. Y'all call me sensitive, but how can you not expect me to be? DAMNIT PEOPLE I've been holding back my damn emotions for the past 4 years of my life, how can you not expect me to be effing sensitive??

You never give me a chance to explain and even if I did it would be pointless since yall call it 'talking back'. Well excuuussseeeee my fat ass if explaining is called talking back.

I've always wanted a relationship with my family where I can gossip the truck out of anything, share my experiences and the most important is where I can pour my heart and soul on a shoulder of anyone of you guys, but hey that's never gonna happen. You guys are so caught up with each other that you forgot that you have a tottering 17-year-old daughter who is emotionally unstable.

All I want is to feel that 'bonding sensation' between mother and daughter but that never happens since the perfect daughter is my elder sister. Not that I'm jealous or anything but I'm not that dumb enough of a person to not realise the sad, painful truth that I am simply a disappointment.

As puke vomiting as it sounds, idgaf bcs no one's ever gonna read this so ya wtv. I've noticed that every single time when we have a family night it's always my mum and my sister walking side by side while I'm trying to catch up and end up walking behind them.

You know what hurts the most? The feeling of being left out. Here's an example:
The other day my family and I went to Giant to buy some groceries. So we went inside the supermarket, got what we need then proceeded to walk to the exit when my mum decided to go to Watsons. Of course I wanted to follow bcs I need to get a few items. I asked if I could follow but I got the nicest response. 'Jaga trolley nun!' I tried not to be offended so I pushed the trolley in their direction and followed them to Watsons. As we reached there I asked if I could go inside with them, grab what I needed then go back out to watch the trolley. But hey once again I got the nicest response, "Apa lagik ktk maok, sik puas hati ka??" The moment those words flew out of her mouth I just completely lost my fcking patience. WTF ALL I WANTED TO BUY WAS A HAIR CONDITIONER???????

i don't get it. i don't know what to do to make them happy. everything i do just makes me feel more and more worthless. i realise that i may not be as beautiful as my older sister, therefore i apologise for having a bilateral cleft. i apologise for not being as smart as my other siblings, i'm sorry for not having the ability to strike a conversation with guests ((because maybe i prefer talking to people that i know and my personality is like that so like fck wtv)), i'm sorry for not being perfect. i really am.

all i need from this family is the feeling of being understood. the feeling of being listened to. the feeling where i am actually loved. because at this very moment in my teenage life i feel nothing. nothing from you guys. i don't feel like anyone cares. i feel like i'm left on my own. i feel like i'm a wall for you guys to throw your anger at. i feel like i'm a place for you guys to leash out your disappointments. i feel like an object.

sometimes it feels so bad, it just comes to a point where i've lost all the energy. so i let the accusations hit me, i let the nagging hit me. i let anything hit me because i have given up. i'm too tired fighting a battle that its name will never be known.

i try to find people that re in the same situation as i am but the results came back and it's a 0. NOTHING. NO NONE. NADA. ZILCH.

i am just a 17-year-old that's lost in a sea of hurt, pain and anger.

Mega pissed

DAAYYYUUUUUM
girl you better watch your mouth before i watch it for you
who the hell do you think you are ya lil punk headed jlqjdksklnlds
you
piss
me
off

kthxbai

Moving on

Sometimes we need to pick ourselves up from the dirt and close the old chapter. It's never too late to begin a new one and embark on a journey of a lifetime. For all you could know it might just have a happy ending.

It isn't wrong to dwell in the past but it isn't right to continue to live in it either. All we need to do is move on. Easier said than done but that's the truth.

Moving on will open so many new opportunities for you. You get to meet new faces, see new places and the best thing of all?
You gain new memories with those around you.

So stop beating yourself up. Everybody deserves a second chance in life, everybody including you. Maybe he/she wasn't The One. That's why we were given a chance to love again.

All we need to do is move on.

Dark clouds

I regret it, I honestly do.

Isn't it weird how our feelings can cloud over our minds until we lose our sense of logic? Sometimes you end up hoping so bad for something you know will never happen, yet you allow yourself to daydream about it even if it means you'll end up getting hurt.

I question myself at times why I am even bothered to think about you. Despite knowing the fact that I won't gain anything. Why did I even let you enter my life? Why did I even bother to get to know you? I should have known you were nothing but a heart disease *ooh so deep*

I could ask you thousands, perhaps millions of questions in the world, but only one question comes to mind when it's regarding you. Why would you say something if you don't mean it? You can't just go MIA for a few days then pop back into my life saying 'Miss you a lot'. To some girls it may sound romantic. If you ask me, it seems as if I am being played.

I get this 'vibe' from you that I am only used as an entertainment. A toy. You can throw, smash, poke, hit a toy and yet it'll never get hurt. Well, obviously because a toy is an inanimate object. No feelings harmed. But what about humans. Humans have feelings. Humans get hurt. Humans get broken (not scientifically, but you know what I mean).

It's not as if I am expecting you to acknowledge me every single second of your life. No, I'm not asking for that. It is your life, you can do whatever you want whenever you want.
All I want is an explanation as to why you'd play a girl that has done absolutely nothing wrong to you.

Don't say that you miss them if you don't mean it. Don't joke about feelings if you don't mean it. Don't ever, ever joke about love.

I hate myself for getting to know you. I regret ever knowing you.

People say that there's a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Ada hikmah disebalik setiap perkara. But I have yet to find the silver lining. You're the dark cloud without a silver lining, a cloud that'll forever shadow.

I regret it, I regret you.

Out.

Twenty Fourteen

Well well well. Looks like we meet again, blog. My first post of 2014. Wey-hey.
Twenty fourteen. 3 things come to my mind for the year of twenty-fourteen.
1. I'm turning 17.
2. It's my final year of high school.
3. S to the P to the M

Holy crap I'm gonna graduate from high school. Can someone pinch me just so that I know that this is real and not just a dream?

Every single day all I hear around me is SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM SPM
o dem i krai
mi fils
help

Sigh. Looks like there'll be a lot of sacrifices made this year.
Oh god I don't even know what I'm typing about.

See you in a bit.

Tired

Don't you ever get tired when people ask you to listen to them, but they NEVER listen to you? I sure know I do. People, well, certain people in my life do that. 'Kenak ktk sik penah dgr kata kmk?' or 'Coba dgr kata kmk skali skala'.

My ultimate response -- what the actual fck. Are you fcking kidding me. Are you fcking serious.

I listen to every. single. word you say. I follow every. single. thing you say yet you actually have the audacity to say that? Why is it so hard for you to LISTEN to me? And when I say listen, I mean listen to what I'm saying, not listen to my voice. Have you ever wondered in your life, ever to actually stop for a minute to think and process my words? I highly doubt that.

There is a reason why I give my opinions. I don't give my opinions just for fun. And yet you wonder why I never speak up in class. You wonder why I'm so quiet. Have you ever thought that what you do impacts my progress not only in class but also in life? I never get a chance to word my opinions out loud because of you. According to you you're always right. Right right right. And I'm always wrong wrong wrong. I understand that I am a teenager and still in the process of learning what's right or wrong, but that does not mean that adults are always right. This has always been, and sadly will ALWAYS an adults perception towards teens.

By the time you fellow readers have reached this paragraph you're probably wondering what the hell am I babbling about? To be honest I have no idea. But it eases my heart a little bit that I can get this off my chest.

Seriously?

What the hell dude? Like are you effing serious? Just because you know you're good looking it DOES NOT mean that you have to act like a motherfreaking arsepoop towards others.

Excuse me pls la, sedar la dirik ya baruk umo 13, lom adak gik kau matang eh. Boh gago mok loba dirik sia sitok ingga ku nangga.

Get your head out of your ass and let reality hit you in the face. Good looks doesn't get you everywhere you little piece of ungrateful punk. Don't let your looks get the best of you and abandon your friends.

Where have I been?!

Hello there earthlings or mostly know as my non-existent readers! Holy mother of pearls, where the heck have I been?!

School. Yeap there you go, school. Nothing interesting really, I didn't get kidnapped by aliens or other weird outer space creatures, I was busy with school. So how have I been for the past two months? Well, we just started our second semester at school a few weeks back aaannnddddd we got our exam results back. Needless to say I didn't do so well for my science subjects. Flunked my add maths and chemistry. DAYUMM GIRL. Yeap..

So what will today's post be about? Let me give y'all a hint. It starts with letter c and ends with s.
Give up? Yes? No?
.
.
.
 The word of the day is.. *cue drum roll* CRUSH!
Okay, I think everyone has got the picture so let me skip to the fun part of me ranting.

My whole life I've always had a crush on someone and it sucks. It flipping sucks. What I mean is, it's so damn frustrating to like someone that doesn't like you back and barely acknowledges your existence! Well my existence to be precise.

So there's this one guy in my class, let's call him Mr K, and em well I think I may have a tiny crush on him. I don't know why, I just do and I hate it when that happens. Ugh.
Mr K is a tall, super smart fellow and has a good sense of humour. But there's this one thing that has been bugging me and it's super annoying GAHHHH.

You see, this Mr K and I never say anything to each other in class. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. So I added him on the ever-so-popular social media website Facebook and guess what?
He likes my status, my photos, comments and he even chatted with me once.
So y'all are probably thinking, 'Ok so what's the big deal? He talks to you on Facebook but never in class? Pssfhhht beach puhlease.'
That's the thing that has been bothering me for aagggesss. I've been observing this pattern for quite a while now. Every time he goes back to his hometown for the holidays (he's a boarding student) he's always online on Facebook and whenever I update my status, post a picture etc etc there's always gonna be a notification saying 'Mr K liked your photo/status a few minutes ago' or 'Mr K commented on your status/photo a few minutes ago'. I just don't get as to why he's sooooo friendly on Facebook but barely says a word to me in class. I know I'm probably thinking wayy to much into this small matter but hey, you know how us girls (it makes me wanna puke whenever I say that but that's the sad truth so bare with me)
are always over dramatic.

Is it because he's too shy to say something to me? Or does he feel much more comfortable speaking to me online rather than face-to-face? Idk, whatever it is it's just bugging the heck out of my mind. AND IT'S SO FRUSTRATING SINCE I HAVE A FLIPPING NO GOOD CRUSH ON HIM GAHHH!!!

So, I've come to a conclusion..
I'm gonna avoid myself from crushing on someone.
Yeap. Sounds so dramatic lol but yeap I mean it's the best step for me.
Have you any idea how boring it is to like someone but never get the same response from that particular person?! It's been nagging on my mind, I can't concentrate so I will have to do my best to 'eliminate' my feelings for him.

I've had enough of crushes, so crush, please go away for a long long time okay?

Well, I think that's it for the post. Told ya it was gonna be long. Hope you had a cup of tea or some biscuits when you read this post! Have a nice day non-existent readers
xx

ADIOS.

Story of my life

Forget it Shazza you're invisible in front of your crush. Stop daydreaming and snap back to reality!

— Shazza 23♥ (@mcweezy08) March 25, 2013

i am back to normal

whatever happened tonight proves that i will no longer or ever will post about love again because love causes a lot of trouble. this is why my friend Fai is right, 'feelings' are weird and that is probably why she hates being in love lol haha.

and i think i've had enough. in all honesty i think i am just a tad bit traumatized by love. yes i do have a crush and it isn't him because that's just.. wrong. it's AG :) haha first day masok class lalu suka. wait lemme do my lame laugh.. 'hiihihihihihih' okay there you go.

and to you. um this is awkward. i hope we can still remain friends but if you don't want to then fine it was nice knowing you hahahaha. i know you'll never read this, which is why i feel brave enough to write this. i think you should probably take time to analyse yourself a bit lol because you seem like you can't handle things and control your emotions.whatever it is, kmk mendoakan yang terbaik untuk ktk. harap2 you'll find a lady or woman or girl or wtv that truly understands you and your needs. and um just nvr say those things to a girl like what you said to me. you should know that girls tend to get just a tad bit emotional and overreact. don't say what you don't mean, sometimes people may not understand your jokes, aite? anyway i feel super awkward abt what happened tonight.. so i took the liberty to delete your phone number and your messages. i know this step sounds extreme but i really don't like holding onto the past and bad memories. what happened tonight was bad and weird. i'm not sure how i'll react when i see you. i'll probably run away and pretend i never saw you hahahhaha i am a chicken. so yeah. adios senora.

and to my best friend of 7 years! i really am blessed to have known someone like you :') i cannot thank you enough. you have had my back lots of times. in Primary 4 and tonight :) out of all of my bff's only you truly understood me. i am not sure how i can repay you! tauk sik selamak tok perasaan kmk rasa lain semacam jak, tapi bila kmk confide in ngn ktk everything was solved. kawan kmk lain semua mcm padah 'just ignore him la' tapi you actually took the time to actually ask me what happened and grew patiently with me while i sat there typing away telling you abt my short-lived love life. hahaha. i know my problem may seem small to you but sometimes it's the samllest things that bugs my mind. terus terang eh kmk nang rasa bersyukur lalu ada kawan macam ktk. walaupun kita jarang bertemu kmk pun sik sangka ktk masih anggap kmk as your best friend. terharu lok kmk jap *awwwwww* hahaha. over these past years in high school i've really seen you grow up! dolok bukan main gik tomboy, masok high school alu romantic ny ehhh hahahaha.
thank you for lifting this heavy feeling off my chest! :) i love youuuuu bebehhh hahahahaha.

adios.

I am confused

So hello there my fellow non-existent readers! I haven't posted a blog for quite a while eyy. Well when you're starting Form 4, life in school gets pretty busy and the teachers give you tons of homework.

Anyways, this post won't be about my life in school because I am pretty sure no one wants to read about that. This post will be about... *drum roll* ...... my love life, I suppose.
Yep. You heard it, you read it. My love life. Omaigelob, Shazza's talking about love? Tell me, what did you do with the real Shazza?! TELL ME!
Okay lol I am weird. Sooooo, let the story begin...

Once upon a time, there lived a girl -- lol I'm kidding la. Okay so a couple of days back, well to be precise on Thursday 14th February, I went to Pustaka with my friends. So as all of you know Pustaka has a canteen right and there he was. Helping his mom. So when I looked at him I was like "Hmmm, cam penah jak mek nangga laki ya. OOOOHHH NYA YA PADUU" and turns out he recognized me too. So we were like "Oh hey. Yeah lol" So it was just a small chit-chat and then I went back to the library with my friends to study.
Later that night he sms-ed me and you know we just talked about the usual stuff. Then one night he said that he wanted to tackle me but he couldn't because I was tall. His exact words were "ktk tgi bah mun ktk pendek dari kmk tek dapat kmk tackle ktk HAHAHAHAHHA" and I was like whoaa dude, you have to be joking kan, so being my usual self I joked back, I said lol why not? "kelak kmk rendahkan diri hahahah" and to that he replied do i like him? And I said of course no la, I like him as a friend nothing more. So this so called 'flirting' I guess you could call it went on for quite a while. So we sms-ed each other every night and it came to one point where he said, hold on let me take a deep breath, "eyy, you look beautiful tadi :)". You see we ran into each other at Ng Sian Hap or 'kede pasu' as I call it and he said I looked beautiful. Being me of course I was taken aback by his words because, well no boy has ever complemented me using the word 'beautiful' before so I was slightly shocked. I asked him if he was serious and he said yes, that his words were 100% honest. I was left speechless, so all I could say was thank you. Now don't think of me as being an attention whore, fishing for complements if you're reading this. In my entire life, never have I had a boy call me 'beautiful' because it's pretty darn obvious that I'm not the most attractive looking girl in the world. The only people who call me beautiful is my family, lol sounds sad but it's true.
Anyway, he called me beautiful and was like okay, thanks. AND THENNNNN, he said I looked pretty when I smiled and I thought "hmmm okaayy things are starting to get a bit awkward but nvm" I asked has he even seen me smile before? Regarding the fact that we HARDLY see each other. So he said yes, when we ran into each other at Kheng Lee, he was using his motorbike and he called my name, and I turned,  smiled and waved at him, and he said "kacak juak shazza" at the time. So again, I was stunned but I still said thanks 'cause you should never turn down a compliment ;) HAHAHAHA okay.
Oh yes, one more thing. When we ran into each other at Ng Sian Hap he said "I feel weird", so I asked him why. He said that he had butterflies in his tummy and his heart skipped a beat when he saw me.
OH. MY. GELOB.

his heart skipped a beat when he saw me.
his heart skipped a beat when he saw me.
his heart skipped a beat when he saw me.

I was stunned and still am. So to cut a long story short, he just stopped msging me. Just poof, just like that.
When I saw him again at Pustaka, we did say hi. Later on that night I thought he was gonna msg me but, no.
So the reason for the title 'I am confused'.
You're acting as if what you said to me never happened.
Did you even mean it when you said those things?
Were your words genuine?
Or was it all just a game.
I need an answer, pls.
Don't leave me hanging.

I hate to say this but I can't deny it, i like you. BUT I DON'T WANT BECAUSE I JUST.. UGH. So here is a song that totally suits my confused feelings and mood. Enjoy.
PINK - Try - Official Acoustic Music Video - Jess Moskaluke

Funny how the heart can be deceiving,

More than just a couple times,

Why do we fall in love so easy,

Even when it's not right.

Adios.

Brain overload

Hello there my non-existent readers and welcome to another episode of Shazza's Rant! Today's episode will be featuring Shazza's new life in high school.

Wow, not to toot my own horn but I think I'd be an AWESOME show host ;) Jokes. I suck. Anyways, first thing is first. MY NEW BABY HAS ARRIVED. Lol don't freak out, it's my brand new first ever laptop! My dad bought it for me yesterday (Friday, 4/1/13) and can you imagine my excitement?!?! I was so sakai and sooooo psyched. Syukur Alhamdulillah, :) tidak sia-sialah usahaku selama ini. HAHAHAHAHA LOL what I meant was I got 7A's 1B for my PMR. My history caused the B.. so yeah. But history has never been nice to me and I have never been nice to it.. wtv. :D

So, now I am currently in high school. WHOOP-DEE-DOO I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Hah you wish. Well actually it isn't that bad. Even though I'm not in the same class as my best friends, I managed to make new friends in my new class considering the fact that I am so quiet I don't think the teachers would notice if I went missing and people might think that I'm a loner..

The subjects are okay. I guess. (I'm taking science stream btw).
I have been trying to solve my add maths exercises since this afternoon and guess what? I ONLY MANAGED TO SOLVE 4 OUT OF 11 ._.

ADIOS MY FELLOW NON-EXISTENT READERS.

Please.

I am hurt and I need to get rid of the pain.

 

People might see me as a normal 15 year old on the outside. Happy, carefree. But the truth is I feel hurt.. Sounds cheesy huh? I know people won't read this but I don't care. At least I can express my true feelings through this blog. Kind of like my private online diary/journal. :)

By feeling hurt, I mean I can't express my feelings to anyone. I just feel like no one understands me. It's impossible to tell my feelings to my siblings, our age gaps are too far apart. 13, 10 and 6, making the fact that I'm the only teen in the house.

When I get mad, people at home just think I'm overreacting. Like I'm being too sensitive. Well whoop-dee-doo I'm sorry that's a problem for you. But guess what, I can't help it. I've been bottling up my feelings for 4 years so anything you do that affects my feelings will hurt me deeply.

Sometimes I feel like my life at home isn't fair. Don't get me wrong, I'm treated well and my family loves me and all that but you know.. sometimes you can't help feeling that your parents are choosing them over you.

I hate it when my siblings boss me around, especially when I'm tired. Yeah sure, you have to respect those older than you but just because I'm younger DOES NOT mean that I don't deserve any respect. You might think it's funny to send me up and down the stairs fetching stuff for you, you might think it's funny to compare our skin tones just to prove that you're fairer than me, you might think it's funny to call me fat. I'll just laugh about it, pretending like wtv you said isn't a big deal, but have you ever thought that it might hurt my feelings? To be honest I get jealous when we go out and hear our mom's friends saying that you're pretty and beautiful, but only smile at me. It makes me feel insecure.. like I'm not good enough for anyone. It hurts.

When I'm sad about something, I expect you to be there for me, console me. Not saying that I need to get over it. Saying stuff like that won't make me feel better.

Sometimes it gets to the point when I'm so angry I just wanna throw and thrash things around the house. Not that I haven't before, because I have. Throwing clothes, toys, anything that I grab I'll throw it. I feel like screaming. After I do throw stuff, I'll just be shocked at myself, stunned by the fact by what my anger can do to the things around me. But in the end I'll just end up sitting in the bathroom and cry. Nobody knows that. The bathroom and my bedroom is the only place I feel safe crying. This post could go on forever and forever, but even my non-existent readers will get bored. Bye for now.

p.s enjoy this song. it's really nice :)
Goodbye by Kesha

vhat?

Eran juak eh. Teringin saya mok nanyak orang. pa best gilak naip 'mah wa' oh. those two words dah jadi kdk trend ajak. 'mah wa ku eh' 'mah wa ku balit solah' 'mah wa blablabla...' 
Pa reti naip camya. kmk paham la pa maksud ya tapi xrasa tegantong ka mok nyebut benda ya? kadang2 rasa pelik nangga biak knek tok naip camya. susah gilak ka mok naip 'lemah nyawa'. tapi skati la oh kmk xnganok k boh mare. suma org ada style kedirik mok naip perkataan.

okay tua gilak lah rasa saya ngrepak cam tuk. tapi kmk xnganok oo kmk eran jak k iboh ambik ati.

ADIOS.

P FREAKING M TO THE R

Oh mai gucci lamma labucci banana. PMR is only a month away, and I don't feel prepared. I AM SO DAMN NERVOUS FOR MY HISTORY AND GEO. WTF SHAZZA WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DAH MOK PMR PUN AGIK MAIN2. *weird..* Anywayyyyy, I'm gonna use all the time I have to prove that I CAN get 8A's. MAMA'S GONNA DO IT BABEH!


Okay time for a different story.
I have a crush on someone.
And it sucks.
Cause.
I don't know.
It sucks.
Big time.

You serious?

Gila ka apa?

This dude has got to start doing a liiiitttllleee bit of more research. Mun mok tauk gik go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvT4V6oEKBQ&feature=player_embedded
Sakit ati ngga manusia yg pengetahuan ny maseh cetek pasal sesuatu perkara! PALOI. IDIOT.

Geram!

Bencik na eh ngn orang yg xpande sabar! Te oi oi laaa, woi laaa. HOI, KURANG AJAR JUAK. Susah ilak ka mok sabar? Pelu bayar sejuta ka mun mok sbar? Mun ekot ati eh malas de jak nak mlayan kau ya. Sakit ati drik mpun layan kau.

Dafuq?

When did this happen? I do not remember typing this..